What Is It About Those Who Have Sexual Addiction That Should Concern You About Your Child’s Safety? Part XXII

Logo of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
Logo of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lawrence W. Daly, MSc

What if you were told by your spouse or partner that they had become addicted to pornography? You have heard the stories from friends about their spouses, friends, relatives, and others having difficulty with sexual addiction? What would you do if you were confronted?

After the initial shock, you would evaluate and contemplate your options. These options may be:

        1.      Immediately ask him for a separation and to leave your home.
        2.      Leave the room and go to another place to think about what your spouse or partner had just told you.
        3.      Call a family member, friend, co-worker or your pastor.
        4.      Tell your spouse or partner that he/she will find a mental health professional and begin receiving help with the problem.
        5.      Tell your spouse or partner that you will support him/her as long as they seek therapy.
       6.   Tell your spouse or partner to contact the Sexual Anonymous groups which would require him/her to attend on a weekly basis.
      7.      Go to Amazon.com and find materials which may help you understand specifically what sexual addiction is.
        8.      Go to your local library and conduct research into the problem.
        9.     Sit down and ask questions specifically about the extent of what sexual addiction is i.e. is it being addicted to pornography, infidelity, sexual assaults and so forth.
      10.  You would want to gauge exactly the level of the problem and how that has affected his/her daily routine.
    11.  You would want to know how much this has cost him/her and how has he paid for his sexual addiction.
     12.  Find out who else knows about his/her problem. Further, finding out who knows and when did they find out and what was their reaction and ultimate advice given if any.
       13.  Want to know when the problem began.
       14.  Want to know if they had been sexually assaulted as a child.
      15.  Want to know if he/she had ever committed a crime because of the sexual addiction obsessive and compulsive out of control sexual behavior.
      16.  Want to know how this has affected your intimacy with him/her. Further, that everything appeared to be normal; therefore, what and how did you miss the problem.
       17.  Want to know how you will now receive therapy to deal with his/her sexual addiction.
       18.  Want to know who you could turn to for support.
      19.  Want to know if there has been any infidelity, has he/she had unprotected sex. Further, if he/she has been tested for STDs and HIV.
      20.  Want to know if he/she has been living this double life, why he/she hadn’t disclosed this to you prior to this time. Further, if he/she has been untruthful about this what else is he/she lying about?
     21.   Want to know if it was going to be your responsibility to monitor his/her sexual addiction problem. Further, what are his/her expectations of you now that he/she has disclosed the sexual addiction problem?

In an article written by author Sharon O’Hara, LMFT in her article “Handling Sexual Infidelity: Should You Tell Your Partner?” states, “ although 60 percent of the partners threatened to leave upon the first disclosure of infidelity, 76 percent of those who threated to leave never did so or even separated temporarily.”

Most people hear about the sexual problems people face on a daily basis. Like every other problem which people deal with, the last thing you expected in your life is that you would be facing a situation which others have faced.

The decision in what you will eventually do has to do with life’s situation and your religious beliefs. If you are a Christian then your resources will be plentiful. There will be many individuals at the church that you can turn to for guidance.  

Joan Huyser-Honig of the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship in her article “Vertical Habits and Mental Illness in Worship” stated:

Cheryl Shea always included a responsive prayer of confession for an adult mental health support group that worshiped together in Edmonton, Alberta. A leader would begin, “For the times we have lied to one another and the times we have been lied to,” and the rest would respond, “Heal us Jesus, Savior of the world” Shea says that confessing their pain about being mistreated and mistreating others led them to see that everyone needs God’s mercy.

There is no way to ease the pain a sexual addict brings upon his spouse, partner, family, friends and him/herself. The many ways a sexual addict can bring about joy when everything seems lost is to be transparent, credible, reliable and most important reestablish the trust and love he/she has broken with others.

Tomorrow, we are heading towards this exciting series about sexual addicts and offenders. There is so much that can be found and discussed about the issues surrounding these individuals. A multitude of studies, research, books and articles support the findings that sexual addicts and offenders need mental health support and therapy. If you know someone who suffers from these two disorders have them contact their local church for assistance and begin a positive and successful recovery program.

 Lawrence W. Daly
253-852-6702 B/P
253-852-6704 Fax
Kent, WA

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