4.23.2012

What Is It About Those Who Have Sexual Addiction Which Make It Difficult For Those Who Love The Sexual Addict? Part VII

Ernest Hemingway
Cover of Ernest Hemingway


 Lawrence W. Daly, MSc
All things truly wicked start from innocence.”
Ernest Hemingway
The thought of you becoming a sexual addict isn’t something you probably don’t think about on a daily basis. However, if you are having problems focusing on anything else than sexual desires, images and fantasies, then something is a mist.

If you realize that your compulsive and obsessive sexual thoughts are controlling you 24/7 you need to search for the next mental health counselor, life coach, or consultant to assist you with your problems and struggles. Someone who specializes in sexual addiction areas may be the right person for you.

Along the way you probably left a road of destruction and your behavior has affected those who you care about you very much. Still knowing the costs of your sexual behavior in reference to your relationships, you continue to act out sexually and the destruction of your relationships increasingly is cyclical.

The 1948 first edition of Sexual Behavior in t...
The 1948 first edition of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, the first of the two Kinsey reports. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It probably seems that everywhere you turn someone has an alleged answer to your sexual addiction or someone wants to tell you how morally unacceptable your behavior is. Still you know your sexual behavior is not making the grade to yourself and to others. However, you are the most important person which needs attention. That attention may require an inpatient treatment program which will limit your ability to function i.e. work, family and so forth.

The saying “You can pay now and play later or play now and pay later” is very appropriate when it comes to you making the decisions in becoming sexually sober. Nobody said it was going to be easy and most importantly you knew this going into the attempt and commitment to getting the proper treatment.

As a Life Coach there are many things I can provide you with to enhance your ability to move from sexually acting out to becoming sober. The sobriety program is what I call “Habits 21”. Basically the concept of this program is as a sexual addict you need to commit to sobriety for 21 days. How you get through the 21 days is up to you, but with much assistance.
The following are some strategies you can utilize to keep you healthy and away from sexual desires, images, themes and fantasies. The “Habits 21” is as follows:

     1.      Have the word “commitment” written in several places using a 3 x 5 business card. Tape the business card to the locations you expend much time in. An example would be taping the business card on your bathroom mirror, in the television room on the wall next to your chair you sit in to read or watch television, your vehicle, or any other significant location which you expend much time.
      2.      Key in on the word “management” as the number one tool you will use to structure methods and techniques which will enhance your ability to keep on target of the 21 days of sobriety.
     3.      Key in on the word “conditioning” as you need to condition and recondition your mind, body and soul into learning how to stop sexual desires, images and fantasies from seeping into your thought process.
     4.      Key in on the world “strategies” as you need to find key tools which will assist you through the 21 day sobriety. Here are some “strategies” you can use to keep your thoughts in the right place. They are:
a.      Pray throughout the day. Pray with your partner or spouse. Pray with your family, friends, peers, co-workers, and anyone else who is positive.
b.      Read the Bible. Select a scripture for the week which you will memorize and use when those thoughts which seep into your mind, body and soul can be used to defend against them. Find time at least four times a day to read your Bible. In the morning, lunch, dinner and before you go to bed. Read scripture to your partner or spouse. Have her assist you in memorizing passages which will reunite you and her in reestablishing your relationship i.e. better than it ever has been.
c.       Call your partner or spouse. Don’t hesitate to pick-up that mobile telephone and call someone who understands the problem and struggles you are facing and going through. If you receive a busy signal or the number you dialed goes to voice mail, call the next person.  Never use the excuse that you couldn’t find someone to talk to. Once you hear that voice on the other telephone, then explain the problems and struggles you are feeling at that time. Don’t lie or mislead them. Tell them what is happening to you, how you are feeling and most importantly what you are thinking. Don’t get off that telephone until your anxiety or sexual thoughts have dissipated. Making a telephone call and talking to the person on the other end about the weather, simply won’t make it. You need to expend enough time on the telephone with that person until you can say ten out of ten when you conclude the conversation everything with you is back to normal. If that person is not the right person for that day, then begin dialing the next person. Find someone who will have the solutions to your problems and struggles. Don’t walk through the steps or go through the emotional aspects of the need to redirect those thoughts. It isn’t enough to make the telephone calls to the people who are willing to help and the telephone call becomes an effort and not the solution.
d.     Keep busy by taking a walk around the block, playing with your son, go work out, and so forth. Find a distraction until those thoughts pass.
e.      Stay away from pornography. You should already be safe proof from pornography in your home, work, and vehicle. Do not get on the computer, go to the Internet, and search for pornographic images, sexual intercourse websites, chat rooms, and so forth. Most of these websites have it all. If you are willing to pay then they are willing to provide whatever service you are searching for. Internet pornography is a 40-80 billion dollar industry. They don’t earn their money by giving away these services. Don’t have access to credit cards or debit cards which allow you the opportunity to expend money on anything, and I mean anything.
f.        Set-up times for counseling. In “Habits 21” you need to see your counselor, Life Coach or consultant at least six to eight times over a three week period. Here is the theory if you are willing to expend funds for pornography then you need to be willing to expend money for counseling, coaching or consulting. Have the counseling dates and times different so you won’t be able to work into a pattern. The little things such as this will assist you in keeping sexual sober during those first 21 days.
g.      Reward yourself for the first week of sobriety. Make it a party with your partner or spouse. Learn to “condition” your mind, body, and soul that being sexually sober is worth it. Find ways to reward yourself without it being masturbation. Find positive outlets which keep you from walking into situations you should have anticipated would be a problem.
addiction
addiction (Photo credit: Alan Cleaver)
h.      Use meditation each day at least two times a day to take the time to relax. This is your time with God and should be seen as a way to bring down the blood pressure. You need to be careful as the wrong meditation can allow those thoughts you are trying to keep away to seep through the mind, body and soul.

As you can see, the “Habits 21” is going to be of value for sexual addicts who don’t have the means or understanding of how to find sobriety. This is not a twelve step program. This is a new method and technique which is about positive rewards with family, friends, peers, and so forth. It is most importantly a partnership with these people.

Tomorrow, the “Habits 21” program will be addressed discussing the integral aspects of the system. If you are a possible sexual addict or if you know someone who is suffering from this illness or if you have gone through more 12 step programs then you care to count, the “Habits 21” will become informative and useful to you and your sobriety.

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lwdaly@onedaly.com
Kent, WA

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