5.24.2012

Understanding Sexual and Technological Addictions. Are You Or Your Children Already Addicted? Part VIII



Lawrence W. Daly, MSc
Cropped screenshot of Gene Tierney from the tr...Cropped screenshot of Gene Tierney from the trailer for the film Laura. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


“I admire anyone who rids himself of an addiction.”
Gene Tierney

It is difficult to be focused on other aspects of life when you have an addiction of the magnitude of technological and sexual addiction. The time that is placed into this major aspect of your life can be compelling, frustrating, stressful, and many other emotions which for the most part you have no control over.
The children of today are faced with challenges that for the most part can’t stop dealing with the new technology and sexual enticements. Parents are at a disadvantage as they have for the most part little to no knowledge about the new techno gadgets and how they are accessing pornography on the Internet.
Sometimes as a technophilic or sexual addict you don’t want to deal with the addictions any further and seek assistance either from a family member, friend, pastor, associate, counselor, life coach, consultant, and so forth. There are experts in the field of addiction which can assist you in dealing with these two addictions.
Once you realize and recognize that you have stepped over the line and boundaries no longer exist, then you have to make a decision on just how far you will go before you seek assistance. This aspect of dealing with the addictions is as difficult as dealing with the addiction itself.
addictionaddiction (Photo credit: Alan Cleaver)If you are married and have children you not only negatively affect your life, but their lives. In a recent study when the spouse (wife) found out that her husband was engaged in inappropriate sexual themes i.e. pornography, 36% left their husbands. When the spouse (husband) found out 28% of them left their wife.
The impact of sexual addiction is devastating to those who are affected by these illnesses. A sexual addict doesn’t become a sexual addict because they violated the sanctity of marriage, no the problem has generally been going on for years in different contexts.
Spouses who leave the relationship in this author’s opinion never wanted to be there. Being a sexual addict is an illness that once embedded in the Mid-Brain it will remain forever. The good news is the individual can control the manner in which the addiction is dealt with.
There is an argument in the community of professionals if sexual addiction is even a valid term. It is probably best described as a slang word for hypersexuality which is recognized in the professional community as a valid psychological and physiological problem.
No matter what the terminology is which is used to describe sexual addiction the problem is real and those who suffer from it can find themselves in a life which has been and is spiraling out of control. The problem is most sexual addicts can’t do it alone.
In a recent study, 20 couples were involved in a study where the sexual addict and their spouse attended group counseling together to work on the sexual addict’s illness.  The success rate of the sexual addict being successful in dealing with his illness was extremely high. In the end this study demonstrated that if the spouse doesn’t use sexual addiction as a tool to control, manipulate, degrade, verbally abuse, mentally abuse, and so forth the sexual addict can overcome the illness.
Most sexual addicts become sexual addicts because their relationships with their spouse or partner are dysfunctional and have been for the time they have been together. Further, the non-addict spouse or partner generally needs to be in control of the relationship at all times. Being a sexual addict allows them to move from the controlling spouse or partner into a fantasy world where they are in control, especially in the sexual themes and relationships.
There needs to be studies developed and research to be pursued which demonstrates that the spouse or partner i.e. the non-sexual addict plays a major role in why their spouse or partner turns to the world of pornography, prostitution, sex websites, sex chat rooms, and so forth.
These studies and research would demonstrate (my hypothesis) that the majority of the sexua
Addictions: Volume 1Addictions: Volume 1 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
l addicts pursued becoming a sex addict for a variety of reasons. Let us evaluate and detail some of these reasons:
1. They were sexually assaulted as a child.
2. Their relationships with their friends, partners, or spouses are dysfunctional. They are in a relationship where their friends, partners, or spouse are controlling and manipulative.
3. They seek and search to find pleasure mentally and physically.
4. They have low-self esteem and viewing pornography gives them a sense of being in control and being powerful; feeling good about themselves.
5. Once they are in the find pleasure mode, in the world of make believe and sexual satisfaction they return to that world, if not on a daily basis, but at least ten times a week, looking for someone to love them if at all possible.
6. They find homage in the world of sexual fantasy because they get to decide what should take place and when it takes place they feel like they made the right choice.
7. They don’t have to blame anyone else if things go wrong in their make believe world of sexual fantasy. If the sexual pleasures fail to be what they wanted, it to be they only have themselves to blame.  Even though the event was not up to their expectations they believe it is better than what their spouse or partner can sexually do for them.
8. It is convenient for them to masturbate then to have sexual relations with their spouse or partner. The stimulation they receive while masturbating sometimes feels better to them.
9. The performance issues with their spouse or partner generally is an issue with them and moving from the physical world to the viewing world i.e. viewing pornography according to them is a better place to be.
10. The sexual fantasy world they live in is a safe place where they won’t be hurt by their spouse, partner, family, friends, and so forth. The sex haven they find is a place of excitement, but peaceful as they believe they can choose which sexual fantasy they will engage in without any force, provocation, and/or condemnation.
Although the sexual fantasy world in which sexual addicts generally choose to live in, the problems associated with it are tremendous. At the beginning of their out of control sexual acting out, they don’t understand the many problems they have begun to create.
After a specific time they begin to feel shame and guilt over sexually acting out. The competition between the sexual pleasures they seek and find and the shame and guilt causes many mental and emotional side effects.
The cost to them is not just one of financial but of relationships which they establish prior to, during, and after they become sexually addicted. The multitude of the problems being a sexual addict creates should signify to the sexual addict that their sexual acting out is wrong and life decisions and changes need to be considered and applied.
18 FDG/PET images showing brain function in a ...18 FDG/PET images showing brain function in a normal subject and in a cocaine addict. The cocaine addict has depressed metabolism in frontal regions when compared to the normal subject. Low frontal metabolism may underlie the loss of control in cocaine addiction. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)If the professionals in the field of addiction would advocate bringing the spouse or partner into the treatment and recovery, this would be a positive step in resolving the sexual addicts out of control sexual behavior. If the sexual addict has an individual they can turn to when they have the persistent urges to sexually act out, the sexual addict will establish a positive pathway which their brain can begin to develop and understand.
The “Habits Anytime” I created weeks ago should advocate that a technological and sexual addict can create a habit anytime. The decision is theirs and they can begin learning to control their out of control technological and sexual behaviors. With the assistant of their spouse, partner, family, friends, and professionals in their life they will be on the right road to recovery.
Tomorrow, it seems every day the answers in how the
 sexual addict can address the multiple technological and sexual outlets are available for healing and recovery. The addict has the opportunity to walk through the gates where they may find immediate sexual relief. However, the negative aspects and costs, the relationships broken and harmed, should ring the bell that not all is well for him/her. As I move forward in this series I will continue to embark on identifying how sexual addiction affects the sexual addict and interweave just how technological addiction plays a major aspect of the relationships and access for the sexual addict.
 

Lawrence W. Daly       
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lwdaly@onedaly.com
Kent, WA

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