What Is It About Those Who Have Sexual Addiction Which Make It Difficult For Those Who Love The Sexual Addict? Part XIX

 Lawrence W. Daly, MSc

Shaquille O'Neal
Shaquille O'Neal (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)
If you are a sexual addict and have children do you believe your children don’t know what is happening in your home? Most children in these households are aware of some part of the sexual addict’s out of control sexual behavior. They may not be ab
le to communicate the specific problem but they know father or mother are struggling.
Like child sexual assaults, children are asked to keep inappropriate and criminal behaviors secret from others. If the child tells someone what their sexually addictive father is doing, then other questions will come to the fore front. Questions come to mind such as if he is a sexual addict is he a sexual offender? If he is a sexual offender, then how can I allow my children to be around him?
So many questions are raised when information seeps out of a fam
ily who is having difficulties. Someone 
outside the family will know that the dysfunction in their families or friends home is occurring. Children compare what happens in their home compared to their other family members or friend’s homes.
Group of children in a primary school in Paris...
Group of children in a primary school in Paris Español: Niños en una escuela elemental en París Français : Enfants dans une école élémentaire à Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
You have to give children and young adults credit that they are perceptive and if there is something happening behind closed doors they seem to have the ability to see through those closed doors and then begin asking other children or young adults the ultimate question; what is the secret which everyone is trying to hide.
The sexual addict’s family will not argue that they are far from perfect and while the father is out engulfed in his sexual addiction, his spouse or partner are home alone with the children waiting for their father to come home. Instead of assisting his family with their daily issues and problems, they are left alone to try and deal with them.
Children are faithful and when one of their parents leave they will sit near the front door and wait until the parent returns. Children or young adults believe the absence will be short lived. They noticed when their father isn’t at home. They know that he isn’t at work. They know he isn’t where he should not be.
His children will be asking mom where their father is and the mother will generally try to smooth over the issue(s) by saying that their father had to work overtime, is working out, is over at a friend’s, is over at a family member’s home, and so forth. Still these explanations aren’t enough to fulfill the many questions children have.
Why does a father behave in such a fashion? Why wouldn’t he rush home to be with his family? Why wouldn’t he want to come home and do something with his family? These questions raise additional questions, where the answers are minimal in responding to those simple but complicated questions.
Sexual addicts become consumed with their sexualized world. Unfortunately, their addiction is so strong they can’t control the reason and logic which most addicts suffer from and are unable to explain; why they do what they do.
The Sexual Recovery Institute (2012) in an article called “Treating the Family of the Sexual Addict” stated:
Competency-Based Models for Family Healing
(Case & O’Hanlon, 1993; Durrant and Kowalski, 1989; Walter and Peller, 1992)
·   The problem is the problem, the person is not the problem
·   Problems occur within the context of human interaction and are a part of life
·   People experience problems as problems and usually want things to get better
·   Every problem-dominated behavior includes exceptions when the problem doesn’t occur
·   People are engaged in a constant process of making sense of their experience
There has to be healing in two areas, the individual and family. The individual must find peace, control, redirection, courage, and the realization if they don’t change the way they are living things at home will never be the same, if it isn’t too late already. In the family, everyone must be honest and transparent about their feelings in reference to the sexual addiction and the affect it has had on them and the family.
Children and young adults are so perceptive and honest that their statements maybe what the sexual addict needs to hear in order to change. However, they must understand the battle in which their father faces on a daily basis is something which is controlling and consuming. This control and consumption disrupts their family, their relationships, their individual and family needs, and so many other important issues which are not being addressed.
Happy Children Playing Kids
Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)
In order for the child to properly develop, they must receive the necessary emotional and mental, and physical needs which they yearn for. Being a nuclear family requires everyone to be responsible for their role in the family.
Failure to be responsible creates a dysfunction which the sexual addict is generally responsible for. The sexual addicts spouse or partner may try to keep the family together but the problem is they generally have problems of their own and this only adds to the problems within the family.
Everyone has met the child who cries when he/she is alone and withdraws from others because he/she knows that their family is different, which makes them an outcasts. These feelings may be unrealistic, but they are real to the child.
Tomorrow, the many problems the sexual addict faces can be so controlling and consuming the addict is incapable of living a normal life. At some point the addict must determine if the addiction or the family is more important. It is this authors hope and pray that the addict will always chose the family.

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Lawrence W. Daly
253-852-6702 B/P
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Kent, WA

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