5.05.2012

What Is It About Those Who Have Sexual Addiction Which Make It Difficult For Those Who Love The Sexual Addict? Part XIV

 Lawrence W. Daly, MSc

“The secret of achievement is to hold a picture of a successful outcome in the mind.”
David Thoreau
crayon portrait of Henry David Thoreau as a yo...
crayon portrait of Henry David Thoreau as a young man (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Over the past couple of decades the word usage of “Life Coach” has expanded from that of an athletic leader to one who assists those who are sexual addicts. These life coaches have a different approach than that of the general counselor. A counselor may expend much time in understanding the autobiographical information about their client. A “Life Coach” conducts his/her investigation in a manner which moves forward, not backwards in their investigation, suggestions, ideas, and follow-up.
A “Life Coach” offers suggestions which lead to an individual’s situation. In sitting with an individual who suffers from sexual addiction the discussion is at first clumsy at best. The sexual addict is looking for a way out of being there sitting with me, with one foot out the door.

Being able to get the sexual addict to bring both feet in the door of the coaching room sometimes takes several meetings. There are two things the sexual addict knows for sure, they don’t want to be an addict and two, they want God to snap his fingers and heal them of their sexual desires, urges, images, and fantasies.

They learn quickly that life isn’t that simple and when someone has a problem there is no easy resolution. It takes work, diligence, consistency, and most importantly commitment. The word commitment is a sexual addict’s worst nightmare. If they commit to stop viewing pornography then they have two commitments to worry about. The first being they want to quit viewing pornography and two, they have committed to themselves and others that they will stop viewing pornography.

I seldom hear the words from sexual addicts that I am going to stop, I will stop, I can stop, I must stop, and so forth. Stop viewing pornography, looking lustfully at women, pursuing prostitutes and spending their family’s money on sex toys, sex talk, and sex. All of these words and situations all surround a sexual addict’s commitment to stopping his behavior from being out of control.

So how does a “Life Coach” get the attention of the sexual addict? What steps can he take to get the attention of the sexual addict? If he gets the attention of the sexual addict, what are the possibilities of getting the sexual addict to abide by their agreement that he will knock off the nonsense and get back to being a good husband and father?

Each addict is different therefore when the “Life Coach” lays out a plan for the sexual addict; there must be methods and techniques which the sexual addict can abide by. If the rules are too strict the sexual addict will fail. If the rules are too lenient, then the addict will have the attitude that this is going to be easy and he can do what he wants.

Most sexual addicts seek counseling, life coaching, and consulting into how to stop sexually acting out because their spouse or partner has become aware of their problem and has given them an ultimatum that if the sex problems do not come to a holt their relationship is over.

Most men do not want to lose their spouse or partner or family. They want to have a positive and successful relationship, but the compulsive and obsessive sexual thoughts are winning and their life is upside down. Being out of control is something they do not want, but do not know how to stop what they are doing.

There are steps the “Life Coach” can provide the sexual addict to stop the madness. There are many coaching rules which a “Life Coach” can give to a sexual addict, which may slow the problems down and may resolve the problems. As stated earlier, each sexual addict is different, but the rules are general enough they can be of some use. Some of the coaching rules are as follows:
     1.      The sexual addict must learn to understand what his specific problem is. In understanding the problem the sexual addict can convey this information to the “Life Coach” and allow the coach to set up some parameters for the addict to abide by. They are:
a.      No more pornography. Establish boundaries which the sexual addict can live by. If the pornography is accessed through the computer, then the sexual addict must download software such as Covenant Eyes, XXXChurch, and so forth to guard the sexual addict from gaining or receiving pornography.
b.      No more chasing and pursuing prostitutes for any types of sex.
c.       No more spending money on pornographic websites, sexual material, sex toys, and so forth.
d.     No more relationships outside his current marriage or partnership.
e.      No more stopping at the ‘bikini barista’s’ to get a sneak preview of women in their bikini’s.
f.        No more looking at women, undressing them, and so forth.
g.      No more sexual fantasies where they dream about having sex with two women where they are the main sex partner.
h.      No more sexual fantasies where the sexual thoughts are outside that of the marriage.
i.        No more, no more, and no more.
     2.      The sexual addict must learn to identify the numerous sexual triggers which he faces on a daily basis. These triggers must be immediately recognized to control them. These triggers must be strategically dealt with in order to stop the sexual urges from taking place.
      3.      The sexual addict must take control of his sexual lows and highs. If the sexual addict is finding that certain times of the day he is having sexual highs, he must have a plan of attack in how to deal with it. Again, he needs to have a prior plan in order to stop the sexual urges from taking control of his life.
     4.      The sexual addict must have friends, family, and sponsors that he can call when he finds himself turning towards his sexual urges and desires.
      5.      The sexual addict must have a relationship with God so he can call upon God to assist him through his struggles. If the sexual addict doesn’t have a relationship with God than it is highly unlikely that he will be successful in becoming healthy.
As you have seen the “Life Coach” approaches each sexual addict with a set of rules and guidelines in which the sexual addict can use to remain sexual healthy. There must be an education in the community, especially the church community that sexually acting out is idolatry and adultery and should be something each man and woman works at being sexually healthy.

Tomorrow, the “Life Coach” has so much to offer for those who are sexual addicts. There is information which can assist the sexual addict in learning how to control his sexual problems. As we come to a closure this week with this series, the information continues to be productive and successful and if one of you who are struggling have been able to utilize any of this material, then to me it has been worth the time expended to research and write these articles.


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